9 Artie Bliemisch

NOTE: If you haven’t been following this from the beginning, and if you want to know the full sequence of events, start with the introduction. Click on Archives on the right.

A large energetic golden retriever is digging up daffodil bulbs in front of the Cavendish Pie Shop on Maxwell Avenue.  I am watching this mess spill onto the sidewalk when Steve Strether strolls over with his small white dog, Lambert.  He wears a beret, and speaks from behind gold wire rim glasses and a graying black beard.  We chat for a moment.  He offers me a cigar from a box of ‘Dutch Masters’ he is carrying under his arm.  I decline the smoke.  “These are something else, I just happen to like the box.”

“I can’t smoke any of them at all I’m afraid.”

He is on his way to visit Artie Blemisch, the sculptor who rents space above and to the rear of the Cavendish pie shop 3141 Maxwell Avenue.  I first met Steve at one of Lou’s barbecues and he invites me to follow along as he wants to share his interest in Artie’s work.

In fact we both follow Lambert who hurries around to the yard behind the shop where we enter an old wooden building through old-fashioned double doors with huge hinges.  The golden retriever rushes in behind us, squeezing through the closing doors with a number of bulbs dangling from its mouth on the ends of  their long leaves.

It is dark and damp.  I can see nothing at the moment in the warm brown gloom.  The smell of oil is stronger than that of the rotting wood, and there is another aroma in the air.  There does seem to be a small skylight faintly visible at the far end.  I can now see the rafters are at least two stories up and we are facing part of the back wall of the Cavendish.

Steve has disappeared into the brown darkness, but my eyes get used to it, and with the dim cold light from the skylight I see his shape at the foot of a metal stairway and hear him yell up the stairs, ”Do you want any bulbs?”

A voice comes back but it is indecipherable.  There is a little more light coming in here and there between boards slanting up the walls.  I am close enough to read a sign that has been nailed into the wall as a repair.  Gaps between the horizontal boards are visible underneath the chipped painted letters like lines on a writing pad.  It says  “Michael Faraday, Electricity Specialists”.

Steve tells me we are in an old tobacco barn, now used to park the shop’s van and store assorted boxes, crates and artworks. The Pie Shop’s back door opens into the barn.  A large crate is blocking the exit.  The stairs over the back door lead to her studio over the pie shop.

Strether and I go up the steel steps with our rhythmical human clunks while the two dogs make a more complicated sound of paw and claw clicking on metal.  We jostle each other – the golden retriever, Lambert, Steve and I – all trying to find room for our feet on the small landing in front of Artie’s studio door.  In the confusion I have stepped on the retriever’s paw.  Some of the bulbs fall out of the retriever’s mouth. We hear something hit the roof of the van parked below, as I apologize and pat his head.  Lambert barks in response to the noise and nearly falls off under the rail in growing excitement, only to be held back by his leash.  Then the door opens and Artie says:

“I am not planning a party you know!”

The golden retriever starts panting and squeaking with excitement.  Artie is wearing a very baggy sweatshirt stained in a network of interpenetrating tide lines.  A P.U. logo is barely visible, a pintimento beneath the other marks.  Her broad shoulders are accentuated by her tight black jeans, and her hair is pulled back, held in place by a striped railwayman’s cap.

“Artemesia” says Steve gently, “your dog has been digging again.”

“Oh Bounder!” exclaims Artemesia, then addresses the expectant dog in Italian, which I don’t understand.  Is she offering a treat?  There is no sign of a European accent in her speech until she breaks into Italian.  She seems to be bilingual.  Steve introduces me.  Bounder goes in first.  He calms down, and finds a place in the sun under a skylight.  Steve’s white terrier keeps at his side going in.  Steve sits down on the old leather couch against the wall to the left of the entrance facing the work table.  I sit next to Steve and Lambert jumps up to settle in between us.

“How about it?” asks Steve getting out a cigar and offering one to Artie.

“Just don’t go into the other room with that burning weed, you’ll probably ignite the fumes.”

Artie decides to take a smoke.  Steve lights up.

You might say Artemisia sculpts paint.  In her latest work she uses plaster, cement, stone and various kinds of resins to make soft looking shapes.  Forms that toothpaste might make if you squeezed a series of blobs onto the sink instead of your toothbrush.  They have a cylindrical body, as if extruded from a huge tube of toothpaste, then they come whirling up to a point at one end.  Each point tapers off from its cylinder in a certain way that gives the piece a distinct gesture.

There are three two footers lined up on the work table each about eight to ten inches thick and each in a different primary color, solid blue, red and yellow.  They look as if they have beaks pointing at the sky.  Artie says she she is going to call these three “Mondrian’s Main Squeeze # 1, #2 and #3.”

Steve points out a fourth on the floor.  He observes how these sculptures are reminiscent of oil paint as it comes out of a tube, even to the extent of having slight striations along their lengths as paint will if it is squeezed from a tube with a little crust around the opening.

Steve points out an earlier work hanging on the wall to our left called “Van Rijn’s Track.”  It is a wide rectangular relief with exaggerated impasto effects.  Artie uses viscous resins in various colors and spreads them in ways that exaggerate the track of thick oil paint brushed on canvas in a single stroke.  The resins hold their shape and dry hard, though they seem soft and flowing.  It had been shown at Gentileschi’s on P Street, but unlike her other piece “The Guild of St. Luke” this one did not sell.  Some of these tracks stick out from the surface in dramatic relief, casting odd shaped shadows in the raking light from the window.  Many of the tracks are translucent browns, and some are transparent, others dark and opaque.  There is a long furrowed red ochre sweep that comes down from the deep browns on the left and bellies below the frame at the bottom and then ends in a dramatic splatter on the far right of the work.

Artemisia picks up the daffodil bulbs Bounder had brought her, and  looking at the sculpture on the floor asks, “See if you can move that thing Steve?”  She throws the bulbs on her table.

Steve is compact and has built up his strength over many years of disciplined weight lifting after illness had weakened him years ago.  He has told me how he first befriended Artie when they met in Florence.  Lambert regularly took him behind the Cavendish on their morning walks, and  he happened to walk by as Artie was unloading when she first moved in.  Steve has always been interested in art and this gave him added reason to stop and offer help with some heavy pieces of furniture and equipment.

As I contemplate Artie’s new works, I remember Diddlie’s story about Steve’s visits to Artie’s relatives on his travels abroad.  Artie sometimes called him her ambassador.  He helped Artie’s young nephew out of a scrape with the authorities in England.

The face of a tortoiseshell cat appears above Artie ’s head.

“There’s the Cavendish cat” said Steve.

“Yes it has adopted me, as Bounder did last year.”

The animal is framed by a rectangular opening high on the wall.  Perhaps it was for a heating duct at one time.  Now it serves as the cat’s corridor between the pie shop’s upper office and the studio.  I can only see her head.  Her black fur blends into the darkness of the hole and her orangey brown tones stand out clearly.  Artie looks up and calls “Sfumato” down but the cat settles in, blinking, but otherwise not moving further.

“Where do you want this one?” Steve asks Artie, standing over the piece on the floor.  He puts his cigar down on a cinder block that sticks out of the wall a few inches.  He must have done this before.  It is partly blackened, and there is ash on the floor underneath, where Lambert has focused his attention.

“On the table with the others” said Artie, “If it will take it.”

“You built it “ said Steve, “You tell me.”

Artie looks underneath to see if it is strong enough.  Lambert walks over to check on her activity and gets petted.  Bounder then comes over and wedges himself under the bench to share in this affection, so now no one can see what it is like under there.  Artie then anounces that the table will hold.  Steve takes off his jacket.  He breaths in sharply, bends his knees and his upper arms flex, thick as thighs.  He lifts the three foot piece onto the table.

“Why is this so heavy” he asks, “the others are hollow.”

“Take another look at it.”

“It has a stone in it! How are you going to get it out?”

“I am not,” said Artimisia.  “That one is going to stay translucent so that the stone can be seen, well sort of … I am not going to paint it.”

“No” agreed Steve.  “Any reason for a stone in this one?”

“It’s an old piece of mine.  It has me preoccupied lately.  I chipped it out of granite years ago, before I knew any better.”

“It is a weighty matter alright!” laughed Steve.

“ I really wanted to bury it I suppose … well, not altogether out of sight … it really is galling … but I want to able to look back on it too … I mean it is such a part of my distant past … what could be more ‘past’ than stone?”

“I am considering a title” says Steve”.

She looks back with her mouth slightly open saying “Yeah”

“Dr. Tulp’s Stone;” because it is consistent with your interest in the Dutch School.

“Why are you naming it after Rembrandt’s  Dr. Tulp?”

“Nicolaas Tulp Demonstrates the Anatomy of the Arm, 1617” said Steve.  “I am thinking of an ironic connection.  This old granite is covered with resin yet still discernible if you look closely through to the inside, as an anatomist might during an examination.”

Lambert gives two sharp barks, telling Steve he wants to go out. Sfumato has left her place in the wall.  Steve lets Lambert out and we all hear the click and ting as Lambert’s claws hit the metal steps.  Then there is a pause when he gets to the bottom, before he starts barking.  We follow Artemisia to the doorway and crowd on to the landing to see.

Lambert’s ears and tail move towards and away from each other across his slightly arching back, in his effort both to bark and keep his balance.  He is lit in chiaroscuro from the beam of light coming from the skylight.  Packets of dog breath propagate in his lungs becoming barks sounding through the barn’s air, and through the planks in the walls, to the air outside.  We listen to his barking in amusement while particles of dust show up in the same beam of light.  Between his barks we can hear some one from the pie shop is moving the crate in from outside the back door.  It is as if Lambert is directing the work or perhaps demanding it be done.

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8 What do you think you’re doing?

NOTE: If you haven’t been following this from the beginning, and if you want to know the full sequence of events, start with the introduction.  Click on Archives on the right.

There is a crow hidden somewhere in the magnolia above, calling to another perched on top of the utility pole I can see across the street.  Magnolia makes two calls and Utility Pole makes three calls and Magnolia responds with two.

“Are you listening to those crows?”

“Yes but I don’t know what they’re saying.”

“They are blogging in crow.”

Diddlie must have come in the garden gate unnoticed.  She spoke as she walked down the path towards me standing by the tree.  Now she is next to me in her blue blazer with bright yellow goldenrod in her lapel and her gardening jeans hanging loosely around her boots.

“Hi, how you doing”?  There is youthful sparkle in her eyes and her short wavy hair is thick, graying and bouncy, resisting the breeze.

“Fine, I’ve been blogging and came out for a breather.”

“We need to talk.  Remember”?  She drew out the sound of ‘remember’ portentously.  “We do?  What about?”

“Remember what I said the other day when you came by?”

“Yes you did say that.  So what is it?”

“Well, do you have time right now?”

“Your time is my time Diddlie.”

“Yeah right;  I’ll let that one pass for now. I’ve got other bones to pick with you.  For one thing you didn’t tell me you were going online with the blog.”

“No, it is sooner than expected.  A friend came by, and showed me how to set up a blog, so we went ahead, forgetting your request.”

“I’ve been reading what you put up.  I am wondering why you didn’t let me see it all first; thought you had agreed to that.  I am also wondering why you blog in the present tense?”

“So you found it already.  Are you okay with it?”

“Yes it’s okay, but I would appreciate some advance notice before you expose me to the world.”

“We can talk about it next time.”

“Okay, but look, most stories happen in the past.  I mean some one is talking about what happened.  I mean the story-teller.  What do you think you’re doing?”

“ I am writing like a crow, about what is going on now.”

“You can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Why? by the time you say it, what you are talking about is past.  Besides you are making it all up anyway.”

“This is a web log.  People write to each other on the internet about what is going on as it happens.”

“They do?”

“Yes, look at Face Book’s “wall” or the comments we exchange.”

“Face book is real people talking to each other and showing their pictures and ids.”

“I mean it is multi media.  Your blog isn’t like that.”

“No, but writing is the thing, the life of it.  It’s not about something recalled by the bard.”

“You are talking about real life.  Your blog is not real life.  You’re doing fiction.  That’s the category you chose.  You know what is going to happen and what has already happened.  It’s all in your head.”

No no, I don’t know what is going to happen.  Well not exactly.”

“ ‘Not exactly’ don’t start that again.  Come on!  Who else but you can know?”

“I don’t have a collaborator so no one else knows, but the story builds on itself.  Re-reading one bit leads to something else that would not have come up otherwise.”

“It is still all in you’re head.”

“Not when a reader reads it.  Then it is in their head.”

“So what?  If they can read, shouldn’t it be the same in both your head and the reader’s?”

“Up to a point.”

“Oh come on!  What point?  You write that there is a crow on the utility pole.  What else is the reader going to think?”

“They are going to think of crow on a utility pole of course, but they are also bringing their own associations into the mental picture”.

“Sure, but they still have to follow your story”.

“The reader’s imagination brings it to life.  A different form of life from what was in my head”.

“Okay, but that happens with traditional books with story tellers.  What’s the difference?”

“I am writing a story, but writing as a reporter or commentator in the present.  The narrator is in the midst of his own story.”

“What an ego!  Do you mean you’re not telling the story, but you are the story?”

“I am only part of the story.”

“But you claim to be ‘reporting’.”

“Yes.”

“So you’re an observer, not a participant, right?”

“There’s no avoiding participation.  Being in Fauxmont is to participate in life there.”

“But it is all just a fantasy of yours. You have put me here in your garden to talk about it.”

“Right.”

“You think standing here talking is advancing the story?  What about all these other people you write about?  What do they have to say about it?”

“You are the only on who has stepped out.”

“Out of what?”

“Out of the narrative.”

“What narrative?”

“The story of Fauxmont.  You have started another separate narrative.”

“You don’t make a whole lot of sense.  You know that?”

“What’s so hard to understand?”

“You say you are ‘writing’ me, like I am your invention.  How obnoxious!  Why are you questioning your own invention?  Don’t you believe in it or something?”

“You are questioning me Diddlie.”

“That’s right and getting nowhere beyond your head.  You have taken more than half my life and put it in the past, and I am still not satisfied with your explanation.”

“Sorry you are so upset about it Diddlie”.

“Sorry!  You say you are sorry! You are doing it.  You are making it up.  You have put me in this position.”

“True enough.”

“So…Change it!”

“We have already been through this.”

“I know, and I am going to keep pestering you until I get some satisfaction.”

The phone is ringing in my pocket. Diddlie has turned away. It is Liberty Trip asking if  I would be interested in going out to Prestige U. campus with her to meet some of her band members. Diddlie has wandered behind a holy, a movement only faintly visible through the thick foliage.  By the time arrangements with Liberty are settled, Diddlie has gone.

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7 Liberty Trip

NOTE: If you haven’t been following this from the beginning, and if you want to know the full sequence of events, start with the introduction.  Click on Archives on the right.

Trip’s daughter has just found some notoriety by joining the all girl band “Toxic Blob”. I meet her at The Tentacle Coffee Bar near her rehearsal studio.  We are the only customers.  They serve sushi, tea, and coffee in the afternoon and full meals in the evenings.  The place is sparse, with a few tables and chairs in a large space.  The bar looks as if it once served as a drug store soda fountain.  There are holes in the walls where various attachments have neen removed.

“Toxic Blob”released ten million flying ants at a recent summer concert on the campus at Prestige University.

“Yea, that’s P.U., get it?” Asks Liberty.

“Perhaps” I hesitated.

“The place stinks!”  said Liberty fiercely but confidentially.

She went on in a quiet but serious voice, “I mean there is one group up there that thinks it is still 1968 or something, and another group who are promoting the ‘design argument’  against evolution. They need to wake up.”  She broke off, and now it was she who hesitated.

In vulnerable and trusting tones she asked me to forget all that.  I suggested that the substance of her remarks seemed plausible enough.  After some further reflection Liberty agreed to let me post her remarks and moved on from arts to ants.

That number was used by the publicist. Though ten million is obviously an estimate, the figure is also allegedly mentioned in a suit the college filed against Toxi Blob.  The campus of Prestige University was infested with fire ants and had to close its summer session for a full week after the incident.

Liberty showed me a clipping from the local paper, which revealed that Dr. Bookbender the dean at P.U. refused to be interviewed.  The reporter was also put off by Carol Crowding of the college administration office.  Dr. Flower Finderelli has offered off the record remarks only.   He is co-chair of the Gender Studies Dept, at Prestige and reportedly knows Liberty well. A spokesman for Terminal Arthropod, the exterminator, refused to comment on the issue as it is now in litigation. Some one did say they still find ants on their desk.

Liberty plays under the name ‘Etta Smog’.  She has a smile like her Mother’s, worthy of the screens at any multiplex, and speaks in the same soft friendly tones as her Dad.

“I am an entertainer” she said, “and our band is the only one doing the buzz thing”.

Some men walk in and sit down at the bar.

Liberty is wearing her work cloths.  These are customized outfits made of pink black and orange plastic plates.  In combination they look a bit like the armor jousting knights used to wear, except that Liberty does not care to cover too much of her shapely contour when on stage, or on warm days in rehearsal.

“It is like my exoskeleton” says Liberty.  “It gives us the insect look and feel. I am not wearing the antennas and mouthparts, but we have them for the stage.  Very important for building the band’s identity. It is our brand. It also feeds into the cross species thing.” Liberty does not explain further. She offers me a look at their concert on a portable DVD player.

Toxic Blob plays on stage from inside a translucent and multicolored plastic bubble that vibrates like jelly to sound.

“There’s is the Blob”.  Liberty pointed out.  I keep thinking of the seat on Jake’s deck and of jellyfish it brought to mind. The video shows the band breaking out of the blob and freeing the insects all at once. She leans across the small cafe table pointing out the effects.

“See them – see those beautiful clouds – there  – and there  – look at those flying up through the spot lights.  We keep the bugs hidden in canisters, out of sight until the end.”

She explains that they’re latest music was inspired by the recent sounds of cicadas.  “Why not?”  asked Liberty.  “I mean who’s the dude that wrote the orchestral piece ‘Flight of the Bumblebee’?

She paused. Her upper plates have ridden up crushing her breasts as she leans over to point out more clouds of insects.  Liberty wriggles to adjust her plates. One by one the men at the coffee bar turned to stare.

“Rimsky-Korsakov!”

She exclaimes it in the tone of an expletive, as she turns suddenly, looking back at the men, and answering her own question.  The men at the bar turn back to their lattes, as her plates slip back into more comfortable positions.

“That’s the dude who started the insect thing” she went on.  “ Well, we use electronics and guitars, no orchestra, at least not yet.”

Since Liberty joined the band last year, they have done seven gigs at university campuses around the country and national fame beckons.  Liberty shares her Dad’s business acumen, but she allows as how her taste in entertainment has led to some strain on the relationship.

“Dad’s OK “ she said philosophically, “He can see the bottom line.  He’ll get over it.  I found his wine storage thing was a perfect place to keep my insect larva.  It kept them sleepy until the right time.  So Dad didn’t know what was going on.  Now the lawyers are all over him, and he is helping us too.  That’s why we had to move on when his cel went off in the wine cellar.  It was the lawyers. I know for sure. He’s got the best. Believe me.”  She broke off to adjust the plates riding up on her collarbone.

“You mean your Dad’s lawyer’s are going to defend the band?”

“I didn’t say that.”  The plates are flexibly joined by elastic threads.  She pulles out and down slightly from each side, her elbows out to right and left  like wings.  As the orange and black segments stretched apart her breasts fell back into place under them.

“Okay, so your Dad’s got smart lawyers.”

“Let’s not go there” she said, still adjusting her exoskeleton. These things can get really bad, especially if they pinch my nipples!” she complained, making smaller adjustments with her fingers, and then went on, “This was our first release.” Liberty said of the ants. “We planned a hornet release next and a cockroach release at the next concert, but this first one may be our last.”

“Hornets! That sounds very dangerous.  Once people got stung there could be a panic in the audience.”

“Oh so long as we are outside it would be okay.”

“With a very high wind perhaps.” I suggest they might want to release CDs next time.  “We release insects,” said Liberty “We sellCDs.”

The concert video is over. She closes the CD player. “That’s it Fred.”  She pulls away from the table.  “Hey! don’t forget to look for our label, ‘Aphid Fuzz’.  We are going to use white polyester fibers on the CD ‘jule box’ to make it a warm and fuzzy purchasing experience.”  She got up.  Her body bulged, her skin creased and peeped from under the plates.  She and her plates moved towards the door. She glared at the men sitting at the coffee bar and went back to her rehearsal.

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6 Diddlie’s Disaster

NOTE: If you haven’t been following this from the beginning, and if you want to know the full sequence of events, start with the introduction.  Click on Archives on the right.

I went back to follow up with Diddlie on the subject of neighborhood tensions she mentioned the other day. She was still cleaning up. The ceiling had fallen into her living room, and a young friend was there to help.  The roof had been leaking slowly for over a year, but no one could find the source and a small damp stain in the living room ceiling had stopped expanding since the last rain leaving a egg-shaped patch of dry discoloration.  That is where the ceiling gave way when the large oak branch crashed through the roof letting rain into the attic last night.

I thought Diddlie had left me alone in the living room after inviting me in and being called away.  Then I notice Mr. Liddell over by the fireplace.  Her husband’s books have been stored in the attic for years. They have also been absorbing drips over the months when the roof was leaking.  An avalanche of papier-mâché had fallen through near the chimney and covered her TV and stereo while she was doing laundry. Now a promontory in the gray glacier of pulp reaches the carpet from the hearth, and the carpet is stained with wet absorbed from the deluge. The pulp is a combination of French literature and Heathkit manuals.  I can still see evidence of Beaudelaire on the TV screen and there, intact, the cover of Balzac’s Louis Lambert.  The TV is on but the volume is low.  A few bits of printed paper are still stuck to the screen, but there are not enough of the poet’s printed words to hide that lurid image of a man in a commercial selling a cure for erectile dysfunction.  More poetic fragments are stuck to the top of the stereo receiver, but wiped off the knob of the tuner.  Heathkit, and splintered wood has demolished some figurines on the mantelpiece, and disintegrating wet pages of schematic diagrams have dripped on to the hearth.

Mr. Liddell is quietly examining the mass of pulp around him with his twitching pink nose.  He straightens his long ears and tracks pulp across the deep blue carpet and then disappears into the kitchen.  I can hear a young voice in the kitchen addressing him informally as “Liddy”.

Then the young voice shouts: “Mom!  Who’s that guy in the yard?”

I notice a gray parrot on the mantelpiece.  It has been so silent and still up to now, I don’t notice it amid the confusion until it walks over a fallen candlestick which rolls under its feet and falls to the floor once the parrot is clear.  The parrot starts fluttering and then beats its wings furiously without taking off.

Diddlie responds to the young voice in a muffled shout from somewhere beyond the kitchen:

“Don’t you remember? It’s Mr. Fawkes. It’s the 5th isn’t it? He’s due any time now.”

“Who’s that?”

“Robin! Can you check on the guy outside please” Diddlie shouted again.

A busty young woman in sweats bounces out of the hall and across the living room past me towards the mantelpiece and looks out the window, saying “Hi, I’m Robin.”  She turns to look at the bird and down at Mr. Liddell’s tracks, and follows them back into the kitchen.

Robin’s voice is higher and younger than Diddlie’s.  “Keep Liddy out of the living room” she tells the boy in the kitchen.

“OK Mom: Who’s that guy in the yard; see him over there?”

“You know, you met him last week.”

“No, this guy looks different.  You mean the guy with the fireworks in his trunk right?”

“He has a van not a car.  What trunk?  What fireworks?”

“The guy had a roof rack too, and he told me he threw his back out stretching to reach something.”

“Mr. Fawkes is quite alright, just look at him lifting that box.  What are you talking about?”

“Never mind. Let me go see.”

“I am expecting Mr. Fawkes.  Is that him?  Has he remembered the wetvac and fans?”, asked Diddlie sounding closer than before.

Robin appears again from the kitchen, saying over her shoulder as she comes into the living room:  “Yes it’s okay.”

“What’s that about fireworks?”  It’s Diddlie, now apparently in the hall.

“I don’t know what he means.  What do you mean about ….”

A door slams, and I can’t hear the rest.  There is no answer to the question.  It seems the boy has gone outside.  The young woman then introduces herself more formally.  She pushes back her wavy brown hair saying “Hi I am Robin Roost”, and tells me she is Diddlie’s God-daughter and has come over with her son to help.

The parrot on the mantelpiece starts beating its wings.  Robin explains “That’s the Red Queen.  Who let her out I wonder?”

I can’t see any cage, and the bird looks gray not red, but I can hear Robin addressing the bird:  “You’l have to flap harder than that to get anywhere!”

The Red Queen beats the air even harder, as if she understands, releasing a red feather from under the grey ones, and takes a long hop across the room to land on a standard lamp.  The shade can’t take the queen’s weight and falls at a sharp angle to the vertical lamp with the fabric jammed against the bulb.  The red Queen struggles to regain her footing tearing the fabric with her claws, as Mr. Fawkes walks in wearing brown riding boots and jodhpurs under a duster, long, brown and Australian, that swings open as he moves.  He walks over to the parrot and whistles at it.

“Off to bed!” screams the bird like a bad tempered parent.  Mr. Fawkes keeps whistling at the parrot and she repeats herself sharply at full volume.  “You haven’t got a hope” says the bird in a jeering tone, and starts repeating “Hope Hope Hope Hope” like a faulty old-fashioned record player.

I see Mr. Fawkes has a yellow towel over one shoulder.  He lowers his shoulder as near to the bird as he can get and coaxes it onto the towel.  It moves on to his shoulder and starts flapping and hitting him in the head as he steps back slowly and carefully away from the lamp to get room to maneuver.  Mr.Fawkes takes the beating stoically and expertly flips the towel over the red queen bringing it off his shoulder and into his long-fingered hands, in front of him, as a neatly wrapped yellow bundle.

“That takes care of her.”  Mr. Fawkes shows a jowl stretching smile at the top of his long neck.  He goes back into the hall with small red and gray feathers tangled in his thinning brown hair.

Robin says “Thanks Mr. Fawkes” as the front door bangs again drowning out another faint voice from outside.  She tells me that Jake’s prompt action in the storm last night prevented further inundation by pulped literature and schematic diagrams.  He went up to his eighth floor greenhouse and observation post to watch the storm and heard the branch breaking off, hitting Diddlie’s roof.

When he saw what had happened seven floors below, he went straight to Diddlie’s door but got no answer when he knocked and rang.  “He had those Urban something or other people here within minutes,” Robin tells me confidentially.  “Those guys did a temporary fix that saved us from further disaster.”

Diddlie comes in asking Robin to phone the insurance rep and refusing my offers of help, lets me out the kitchen door.  The front is blocked by Mr. Fawkes’ cleaning and drying operations.  I walk out the back door and around the house to get to the street through the car port.  There is a rabbit hutch in the carport supported on two saw horses with a long board nailed across the top.  “Mr Liddell” is burned into wood in large block capitals and underneath in smaller lower case print, “Rabbit in Residence.”  Two pink plastic flamingos, each with a single long stiff wire for legs, have fallen onto the remains of a croquet set.  Their long curving hollow plastic necks are hooked together as if in a kiss.  The wheeled stand has topped over and broken.  Colorful balls have rolled out of a jumble of mallets hoops, and flamingos onto the driveway.  I pick up a few balls and put them back under the car port.

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5 Diddlie’s Place

NOTE: If you haven’t been following this from the beginning, and if you want to know the full sequence of events, start with the introduction.  Click on Archives on the right.

Diddlie’s Place

I saw Diddlie outside her front door as I walked up the hill past Jake’s place, not knowing her address.  She was emptying a pail of water onto a hydrangea when I waved and she came towards me.  She now lives seventeen feet from Jake’s new house at 1661 Oval Road.  The fourth garage door is the nearest and the biggest door behind which he keeps his stretch Hummer.  This Hummer is the sample he used to convince the Snaz franchise to market them nationwide.  Diddlie Drates hates Hummers.  She colored with outrage when I asked her feelings on Jake’s huge house next door.  Diddlie had measured the exact distance from the property line over to the corner of the garage to substantiate complaints she voiced in a recent Fauxmont newsletter.  She alluded to problems over the newsletter, community activists, and other tensions.  She would get to those later she said, then as if to bring up another subject “We need to talk.”

Diddlie seems perplexed.  The subject had put her in a bad mood.  Her response to my question left her disoriented.  I had forgotten how volatile the issue had become in her mind, though I might have been reminded when reading the news letter that she is concerned about Jake’s huge house.

“Yes, okay, what else is going on?  I mean I’ve been thinking, and there’s plenty to tell you.  Like you said I have a lot of memories, and we can get into that, but I am not through with you about that other stuff.”

“What stuff?”

“You are going to tell me who you are: alright?”

“Okay, we can talk.  Go ahead I am listening.”

Diddlie explained that her house was built in the early 1940s.  It is unimproved, and she takes pride in its being well maintained and in original condition.  She has some original appliances that her late husband was restoring, set aside under tarps in the carport.

“This is a historic neighborhood” she states emphatically, pausing for effect before going on.  “We bought this house from my Aunt, Maria Gostrey, when she moved to Paris back in the fifties and she used to visit us regularly.  It is hot in summer but we live in dappled light under here she said gesturing up towards the tree tops with a sweep of her arms over her head and raising her face towards the sky “and it’s cooler here than the ‘burbs’ down the street.”  She gestures again to the east where Orchard Close, far larger than its name suggests, stretched all the way to Route One.  Diddlie danced on into the house, beckoning me in, and skipping over a small fallen branch.  “These homes here in Fauxmont should not be knocked down to make room for mansions” she insisted.  Her one story house is built on a concrete slab, surrounded by tall white oaks, hickories, azaleas, ivy and the wilting hydrangea now recovering outside her front door.

“First they cut down the trees next door, then there was all the construction noise, that nearly drove me crazy” says Diddlie as she goes into the history of Jakes’s construction next door.  She picks up the crouching white rabbit that is still in the hallway leading to her living room.  “This is Mr. Liddell” she says through the strain of bending and picking him up, stretching out the sound of his name.  Now it is Jake’s new lights that Diddlie complains about.  He has more than a dozen high intensity lights installed on his outside walls by the security firm, Urban Safety Security Solutions.  They come on in response to motion detectors, as deer, possum, fox, bunnies, cats and dogs, but so far no terrorists, wander through the narrow margins of Jake’s property, and into Diddlie’s ivy.

“When those lights come on, I feel like I am living on a movie set and the cameras are about to roll” jokes Diddlie, smoothing the rabbit’s ears.  Then more seriously  “That man’s dream house is my nightmare.  No not a nightmare.  If it was a nightmare I might wake up and it would be gone.”  She squeezes Mr. Liddell in her fury, and he wriggles and protests.  No that’s the trouble.  I am stuck with it.”  She breaks off and excuses herself, apologizing to Mr. Liddell and says she is going to put him back in his hutch.  I can’t hear what she says as she goes on talking while walking away towards the back door which slams behind her, cutting off the sound of her voice.

She soon comes back in, her voice sounds as if she has been talking all the time she was out with Mr. Liddell, but it is clear she claims to have broken through Jake’s usually unflappable good humor.  She reports that he called her “a slab dwelling low life busybody.”  That is when she accused him of being a Hun, a Goth and a Vandalizing Mansioniser.  I ask her if Jake has offered her a gift card from Snaz, but Diddlie says “He knows better.”

The sound of a loud crack broke into our conversation.  It was a Toyota Prius rolling quietly up the driveway snapping the branch Diddlie had skipped over on the way in.  Diddlie leads me out the front door and says “We still need to talk!” and runs out to meet someone in the car.  “I can call back tomorrow,” she yells as her voice was cut off again by another slamming door.

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4 Derwent Sloot

NOTE: If you haven’t been following this from the beginning, and if you want to know the full sequence of events, start with the introduction.  Click on Archives on the right.

Yesterday Derwent Sloot celebrated his eighty seventh birthday behind the row of prickly holly trees that partially screen his living room window from the Trips’.  It faces the Trips’ three story kitchen-dining room with large windows flooding the banana trees, and orchids with light and colorful fish swimming in a huge plexiglas cylinder that rises from its sand stone foundation to the second story gallery, all visible through a thin patch in the holly trees. This view is also an advertisement for high-end Snaz Super Stores, where so many of the Trips’ accoutrements were purchased.  I knock on the Sloots’ door which opens directly into the living room. He opens up and I stand facing his modest picture window, momentarily absorbed by the vision of Trip’s mansion, when Sloot brings me back;

“If you are so fascinated by that sickening extravagance next door, why didn’t you knock on their door?”

“If you remember, you had invited me over.  I am Fred, your new neighbor.”

“Hi Fred.” said Derwent quietly with no sign of impatience.

“What is new in Fauxmont?” I asked Mr. Sloot.

“It is pronounced Foxmont, like the fox”, he corrects me sternly.

“Sit down why don’t you?” He said politely.  Derwent waved at a couch and two armchairs in the living room. The back of his thin hand was bruised purple. His fingers stiff and bent could suggest nothing but a general direction by their limited extension.

I sit on the couch and Derwent takes to a stained wingback chair that cuddles him with extended arms in the hollow of its sunken upholstery. He brushes back some thin white spiky hair that falls across his brow as he leans forward to sit down.  It looks slightly wet. He is still exercised about his neighbor’s new house, and tells me he has expressed his objections to Trip about the new construction on a number of occasions, and then more heatedly he says;  “It’s a megalith, not a house.  I can’t look up without seeing it!”.  He goes on: “Yes, Jake’s dream, his fantasy, his fancy, as told by his builder, not in words: what words could describe that thing?  That idiot Planck built it dumb, and mindless.  Kept adding on without thinking. I stood there and watched one morning while Trip sketched his changing notions on a plywood off-cut, and Planck explained what he could build. He should have refused to build it!  All that architectural chaos wasn’t designed.  His conniving architect, who seldom showed up, contrived it into a towering suburban status symbol for a fee. That’s it. Jake’s ambition expressed in all the things he can buy and in his expansive gestures to his neighbors. Let’s talk about something else!”

Derwent is out of breath. His lip is wet, and he wipes some drool off his chin hurriedly turning away into his cavernous chair.

He is also annoyed by a row of French doors opening onto a spacious deck, with a gazebo built like a three level pagoda thankfully near the thickest healthiest hollies at the property line. The granite base of the eight-story tower, which gives the building an inappropriately medieval presence, further outrages him.  Diddlie told me that Trip, after an altercation, had given Derwent a hundred dollar gift card redeemable at any Snaz outlet.  Some call it vulgar bribery; Steve Strether, another neighbor, called it a neighborly show of good will.  When asked about it, Sloot snarled that he didn’t know where the place was, and didn’t intend to find it. The doorbell rang. He excused himself graciously, and soon returned not with his new visitor but to introduce his daughter Rosalba, explaining he had a chess game in the other room with the caller, a child he didn’t introduce.

“Call me Rosie” she said as Derwent and the child visitor went out.

“I am visiting my folks here.” she explained and went on that Derwent is giving his weekly chess lesson to Heidy Guderian, a five-year-old neighbor.

Sloot has lived in his one story slab built home for fifty odd years. He is a world authority on some microbe living in sub arctic soils, and still enjoys making occasional appearances with environmental groups.  During the pre-election period he pulled up one of Jake’s Bush/Cheyne posters, which he claimed was on his property. Derwent was not happy when Jake replaced it with a larger one several feet back.

Derwent used to know everyone in the neighborhood, but the recent housing boom changed things radically. He had already told me heatedly that he didn’t ’know” Trip, “I only know of him”.  Rosie told me how the community had grown up in the late 1940s.  The owners put up most of the simple single story homes in the space of a few years, and a strong sense of community grew out of that experience.

Rosalba did allow, out of Derwent’s earshot, that her son had a very good time riding in Jake’s Hummer last weekend.  Apparently Jake had taken them all to Cyber Kids out at Snaz.  Rosie giggled: “No one over fourteen really understands how much of Cyber Kids is virtual and how much is actual, and no one under fourteen really cares.”

Rosie’s son, Serge, who was eavesdropping in an adjoining room, came in and told us that his Mother is living in the past.  “Such questions are really meaningless” he pronounced with the precocious authority of a preteen expert.  Derwent is blissfully unaware of the threat to his progeny.

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3 Jake Trip

NOTE: If you haven’t been following this from the beginning, and if you want to know the full sequence of events, start with the introduction.  Click on Archives on the right.

Jake Trip moved into his dream house last year at 1674 Oval street.  Wicket Street is flat, narrow and one way going around the hill from East to West about half way up from Boundary Road at the bottom of the hill.  The steep incline of Oval Street between Boundary Road at the bottom and Wicket street above, passes Jake Trip’s granite faced basement walls as they disappear into the slope.  The basement was cut into the hillside and all eight oneiric stories are visible only from Wicket Street.  I did not mount the twelve steps up from Wicket St. to enter through the formal front doors.  Mrs. Gomez let me in through a side door under a half- timbered overhang.  Looking at all this granite off Oval Street could lead one to expect battlements above, but there are several stories of half timbered stucco.  It’s exterior is designed in many styles.  The brick facing on Wickett street features arches and ledges and iron railings in front of tall windows.  Looking up at the top stories I can see the last few leaves against the long parallel lines of siding like notes on an extended staff.  The sun sets behind mature oaks growing on the perimeter  and none of them obstruct his sixth floor view of distant hills beyond the river.  Jake owns a local Snaz Super Store franchise.  Lou had introduced us over a platter of bear meat as the three of us helped ourselves at his last barbecue.  Jake was interested in telling me about the neighborhood but we didn’t talk much at the time.  Before he left he told me to walk over for a visit after I move in.  Now he is speaking to me from the privacy of his Jacuzzi on this unseasonably warm November evening.  I declined to join him, but settled into a Snaz semi-inflatable seating pod close by on the extensive sixth floor deck.  The pod surrounds you like an amoeba as you sink into it, but surprisingly, it firms up when its innards find their equilibrium around you.

Jake stands up to observe me.  Two crows call to each other on the dead branch of a Willow Oak growing up from Diddlie’s yard next door.

“How about that?” exclaimed Jake, dripping in his tub.  Narrow curled leaves from the oak blow into the water, and float next to his knees when he sits down again.

I tell him it was like sitting in a jellyfish in front of jeering crows.  “Yea, that’s about it” Jake goes on.  “How do you know they’re jeering?”

“Only a guess.”

“I don’t think we interest them.  They’re busy trying to make a living like the rest of us.  My daughter developed that thing as a college project.  She’s got them on the market already; pretty good in two years.  So far I am the only Snaz store that carries them.”

“How’s business?”  I asked; “Hey, business is good” Jake said.  He also indicated that lower taxes will be great for him and his employees.  “I held the line on wages and benefits this year” he remarked sternly.  The proud Snaz owner has cleared most of trees from his lot and his dream now rises eight stories above the expanse of his smooth lawn .

I ask if he is going to plant any trees to replace the losses.

“Yes I have a shipment due in next Tuesday. The trees will grow back.  They have a history of doing that.  Ask the coal industry.”

He splashes at a late wasp that found his plate of sliced Mountaineer apples.  He offers me some and goes on.  “By adding that eighth floor, we have an unobstructed view of the river and the Parkway.  We will see trouble before it finds us”.

Jake has a full security package which cost him ‘half a mil’, he remarked with a wink, including a contract with Suburban Safety and Security Solutions.  Jake tells me that they are able to respond discreetly, in minutes, 24/7, with a team of consultants who will  “assure the protection of your home”.  He finishes the last slice of Mountaineer apple after I refused it.

Trip dismisses local residents’ complaints about the excessive height of his structure as narrow-minded.

“These folks need to get a life,” remarks Trip, as he rises again and starts drying himself off on his sunny Eastern exposure.  “I have added to the security of all my neighbors and raised the value of their homes.”  He pauses to dry his head and face.

“You can’t take it with you.  So, I thought I would just realize a dream of mine to live in a multistory home.”

Standing up again, I can see the sky’s unlimited blue reflected in his jacuzzi water as the surface stills after he steps out.  I can also see warm yellow brown patches in the river filled with mud washed in by recent rains.  After this short chat he goes inside to dress.  As he opens the door from the deck into the house the twins come out in elegant deep purple Snaz track suits with their names Liberty and Gale, embroidered on the front and logos on the shoulders with gold piping on the sleeves and pants.

No they are not twins.  Sorry, it is Jake’s youthful wife Gale.  She blows her husband a kiss and introduces me to their daughter Liberty.

Gale takes the lead, guiding me down to the second floor wine ‘cellar’, where my tour with Jake will begin.  I notice their matching NY Yankee baseball caps and white shoes with purple stripes, and more Snaz logos in the back below their ankles.  We take our time descending the grand double staircase, modeled on one that sank in “Titanic”.  Liberty tells me that her mother was a semi-pro tennis player in her time, and now runs the “Sports Arena” at Snaz.  I ask Liberty about Snaz, and they both laugh nervously, as Liberty explains that “Snaz isn’t ready for me yet.”

As we enter the wine ‘cellar’, Jake appears, in khakis, teeshirt and aviators.  His friendly tones suddenly take on the familiar qualities of a sales pitch.  It emerges that his five thousand bottles of Chardonnay, (he only drinks Chardonnay), are the beginning of a new line at Snaz.  He plans to do a joint venture with Glitz Holdings.

“Glitz do high end Condos, and we shall do the wines and accessories,”

Jake explains.  He has a fully motorized, climate controlled, inventory sorting and tracking system installed on three stories of structural steel, between the basement and the polished surfaces of his second floor ‘cellar’.  I stand next to him while he activates the pop-out keyboard installed behind one of the mahogany wall panels that alternate with glass doors around the walls of the room.  With a few key strokes he summons the screen listing his holdings and then selects the bottle he wants.  The gentle murmuring of electronic switches and motors behind the walls is drowned out by a sudden shrill chirp from Jake’s cell phone.  Gale goes over to his side.

Liberty beckons me over to the door and suggests we move on.  Gale comes across before we leave the doorway, with earnest apologies.  She explains that this is not the right time for my tour.  She offers lunch next Sunday, and a tour, if I don’t mind eating early. I accept.  She escorts me to a Parisian art deco style elevator door, which doesn’t squeak or rattle and I go down to the lobby at Wicket Street level.

Walking out of the elevator into the entrance hall below I see a wall of television screens.  There are four rows of four screens, some blank but flickering, others showing whatever comes into the mirror across the room.  I turn to the left and notice a tall beveled glass mirror on the wall, perhaps twelve feet high and about four feet wide.  As I walk toward it, my image in the mirror walks towards me.  I keep going towards the mirror until my image meets me a few inches from the glass.  The glass steams up as my breath hits it.  So it happens a number of times on the screens opposite.  I can see the screens across the room in the mirror.  There appear to be slight delays between the video capture and the displays.  When I turn around completely I can watch various pictures of my reflection, at different moments in the past few seconds.  Some screens act like another mirror facing the one I was looking in, creating an image of ifinite regression, one image inside the other.  I can’t tell where the cameras are.

“There seems to be something wrong with your security video Gale.”

There is no reply.  The elevator door is closed.  Gale is gone.  I am too bewildered to fully understand the strange infinities in that video kaleidoscope.  I walk out the front door and turn off the path through ivy in the deep shade cast by the Trip’s fantastic home.

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2 Lou Waymarsh

NOTE: If you haven’t been following this from the beginning, and if you want know the full sequence of events, start with the introduction.  Click on Archives on the right.

Soon after Diddlie and I sat down the waitress interrupts us, with menus. At the same time Lou Waymarsh appears hemmed in behind the waitress and an adjacent table, with his strong square face showing a gray beard. The waitress looks over her shoulder at Lou and drops some of the menus as she tries to separate two from a stack she is carrying.  Then noticing Lou behind her, she turns and asks if he wants to sit down.  The bus boy is standing off to the right with a cart full of dishes, waiting for the waitress to make way.  He can’t move back because of the lady with the walker waiting behind him. A large party to the left is getting up and the aisle between our booth and the adjacent tables is jammed. As I bend down to pick up a menu that has fallen by my feet I notice Diddlie’s jeans are gone. By the time I give the menu back to the waitress Lou is sitting in Diddlie’s place. His thick black eyebrows look like caterpillars basking in his thoughts while resting above his eyes.  He is frowning slightly, as he so often has since his daughter, Lt. Waymarsh was killed in Iraq. I had forgotten, but realized what he meant at once with his first words.

“It was 3 years ago today.”

“Has it been that long already?”

“I am going to sell my firm to Fibonacci.” Said Lou without any change of tone, as if the two events were one.

“’I had no idea Lou!  ‘The Fib.’  Congratulations, I am sure you got a good price.”

“Yeah the three of us made out okay. We didn’t close the deal until this morning.  That’s when I called. It was an all-nighter.” Lou stifles a yawn, and looks into the menu.  Seems as if he is absorbed by it.  Perhaps he is still negotiating silently behind the caterpillars on his brow which have arched slightly as he concentrates squinting for a while until getting out his reading glasses with a sigh of resignation. He puts the menu down. A few caterpillar hairs are scratching the tops of his glasses as he speaks.

“That outfit is more like a network than a company. Sure they are incorporated, and have that non-descript building out in Fairfax, among others, but they have people from all over government, banking, media. Congress…I mean you name it.”

“Now they have taken an interest in your education consultancy.”

“Yes they want my data.”

“Your data?”

“You know.” he waved his hand over the menu as if to draw forth a genie or perhaps cast a spell. He speaks slowly, as always, with a low resonant voice.

“I was the education guy, but there’s data we had collected over the years.”

“I don’t understand Lou.”

Lou looked more serious than ever. I wonder, has this man been so constricted by the python of his job that he can no longer relax?  I had not noticed this before, though it is striking now, after his daughter’s death he spent more and more time at work.

“Yea, education is where I started out but we drifted into waters Fibonacci is now interested in navigating.”

We had become friends over a Xerox machine; two graduate students working at the Library of Congress, thirty years ago, amusing each other with riffs on the genius of the Flying Circus. Lou has paused, fallen back into the depths he had conjured with his hands out of the menu’s plastic holder. He stifles another yawn.

“Sorry about this.” He puts down the menu and looks at me. ” I mean I can’t say any more about it. You know ‘the Fib’..  They like to stay out of sight, don’t think people realize how big they are.  Like a kind of light house projecting all these pictures its clients want us to see, or someone wants us to see, on the op-ed page, or featured in a news magazine or even on TV.  I mean TV is the thing now.  You don’t see the light source only the pretty pictures it illuminates.”

Lou picks up the menu again but his eyes are closed. “I need a coffee” said Lou, and the waitress is there. I hadn’t noticed her arrival.

“Will that be all sir?”

Dropping the menu, Lou has a full yawn into both hands. The menu slides over the table towards me. “Excuse me” he says to the waitress, “That is all for now.”

I order the same and ask:

“Lou, do you have a neighbor called Diddlie Drates?”

“Diddlie, yes. She was there when we moved in. She is like a founding mother of the neighborhood.”

“ Did you see her ?”

“No, how do you know her?

“She introduced herself to me just now in the bar, after hearing me mention your name to the bartender.”

“Wonder what made her do that?”

“Don’t know, she was sitting here just now.”

“No I didn’t notice her going out, but I don’t notice much at the moment.  By the way, did you contact Jake Trip?”

I told him I had.  Jake remembered me from  your barbeque, and invited me to visit him tomorrow.”

“That should be your first stop alright. Now you will see what the neighborhood is all about.”

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1 My First Thought

My first thought on reaching the H Bar Restaurant on Maxwell Avenue is to ask if my old and close friend Lou Waymarsh has made a reservation.  We haven’t seen each other for months and the first arrangement to meet this morning at his house had changed.  I asked the receptionist and finding that reservations are unnecessary, I look around and see he hasn’t arrived yet and take a seat at the bar.  There is now time to reread the text he sent me earlier, when the ring tone announced its arrival as I drove North on Rout One from the realtor’s office, unaware of the caller’s identity until a stop light afforded time to take a glance. Now there is time to fully appreciate his apologetic digital explanation for the delay and look again at his reminder to find him in the Quark Lounge of the H Bar where we can chat in comfort. His unexpected absence also leaves me time for reflection.  We are sure to see a lot more of each other in future as I have just moved into his neighborhood, largely under the influence of his advice, and his telling me recently that a house is for sale, and in addition, my own experience in Fauxmont, visiting him, had been decisive. There is also time to survey the scene and so my first sense of Fauxmont as a new home comes through the lively ambiance of the local bar and restaurant.  The attentive bartender notices the empty glass of Bass Ale in front of me , and asks if I would like another.  “I am meeting Lou Waymarsh in the lounge,” I explain, shaking my head, thinking Lou might be known at his neighborhood bar.  The bartender gives no sign of knowing him, and I pay my tab and tip, and put my wallet back in its pocket, preparing to look for him again among the quiet booths in the carpeted Quark Lounge.  Before taking so much as a step I am confronted by a friendly smiling woman wearing an expensive, finely cut royal blue blazer.  She asks:
“Did you say you’re a friend of Lou Waymarsh?”

The bar seats are all taken and I had been dimly conscious of someone standing close behind me trying to get the bartender’s attention,  as I settled my tab.

“Yes” I tell her, surprised at her sudden interruption of my reveries, anticipating Waymarsh’s arrival and studying the other customers crowding in opposite me,  and others more distant, I could see walking into the Quantum Que to play pool across the hall.

“I have known him for years.  He’s a neighbor and good friend too.”

“Funny I haven’t met you before.” I said, sliding off my stool to stand next to her, in the narrow space between the barstools and the rail separating them from the chairs and tables of the noisy cocktail area extending beside us to a big bay window.

“I often visit him, when he adds me to a few of his neighbors for a barbeque.”

“I don’t go to those much. I don’t eat meat. I mainly know him through our community organization the ‘Fauxmont Guild’.”

She held out her hand and introduced herself: “Diddlie Drates” she said in a business-like manner.  She has a blaze of golden rod in her lapel, and there’s some garden soil dried on to the stained knees of her jeans.  I walk towards the low light of the carpeted Quark lounge which appears like a dim cave from here in the brilliance of the sunny bay window. She follows and sits down across from me in a booth, without saying anything about it; perhaps assuming that a friend of Lou’s must be her friend too.  She goes on and gives me no opportunity to tell her that I was thinking of my chat with Lou as personal and confidential.

“What did you say you do?”

“Oh I didn’t say, but I do as I please.”

“What do you mean? is it a secret of something?”

“No, I write a blog.”

“Are you going to write about me?”

“Yes.”

“Will you send me the URL?”

“Not yet.”

“I want to see this thing before it goes out, okay?”

“Not yet, it is not up yet.”

”It’s not a blog then.”

“True, it is in the form of a blog.”

“Are you sure you know what you are doing?” asked Diddlie looking alarmed.

“No.”

“You better get with it,” she said fiercely.

Her questions and reactions seem impertinent and presumptuous coming from a total stranger who had introduced herself with such polite formality.

“It’s not as bad as you think.”

“Sounds to me like you are lost.”

“I am finding my way now, though.”

“You’re just a gossip like me.” She giggles.

“I am very interested in what you say.”

“Are you coming on to me?”

“Not exactly.”

“I know you’re lost, but come on, just tell me!”

“No I am not coming on to you, but I am interested in what you say.”

“I mean you… well I just don’t get you.”

“Sorry Diddlie.  I don’t know at the moment if I am writing a blog of a novel or just a blog.”

“A blog of a novel,” repeated Diddlie, “and that is why you are pumping me huh?” Diddlie giggles and goes on.

“Look, I can’t tell you what you’re doing.  You have to figure that out for yourself.”

“True, it’s not your problem.  Forget it.”

“Listen, I just want to know where you are coming from.  I mean you just moved here, or are about to.  You must be the guy Lou mentioned while he was fixing my bike, but I don’t know who you are.”

“I am a writer.”

“Okay, you told me that already.”

“I am writing you.”

“What?”

“Yes, I invented you and now we are getting acquainted.”

“You set me up!”

“Yes.”

“You just dragged me in here for…Well!  For what?

“You came to mind. There was no dragging.”

”So why do you have to keep asking all these questions?”

“You’re the one asking the questions Diddlie.”

“Well you said you are interested, so I keep talking, but I also want to know who I am dealing with.”

“I am a writer trying to give readers an idea.”

“You don’t have any readers.”

“Well, hypothetical readers.”

“So you aren’t really talking about anything.”

“I am.  I am talking to you about who I am.”

“Yea right, and you are all in your head and you’re lost!”

“You keep saying that.”

“It is true. What do you mean you are writing me?  You think you are God or something?”

“No, there’s no need to be so exasperated, I am not playing God, I am just a writer.”

“Is this a put-down?  Are you trying to tell me I don’t exist?”

“No no, you certainly do exist.”

“Ah ha, so when is my birthday?”

“I haven’t thought of it yet.”

“Does that mean I don’t have one?’

“You must have a birthday, every one does.”

“You don’t know when my birthday is.  You can admit it.  It’s okay.  See, God knows everything, and you don’t, and that is okay too.

“I would say it is January 2, 1945.”

“You might say it, but how do you know if it is true?”

“I will write about your birth certificate and you can get it out of your top desk drawer and read it later on.”

“Suppose I don’t want to be that old?  Just think again okay.  You are putting too much behind me.  It isn’t fair.”

“Not so much, enough for you to have interesting memories.”

“What about living? To hell with memories.”

“You have a good life here in Fauxmont.”

“You ought to take notice of your character, as you seem to think of me.  They can really mess things up if you get them wrong.”

“True.”

“So why can’t I be twenty three and having really good sex with my boyfriend in the privacy of my house before that thing next door went up?”

“You did and also married him.”

“No, I mean now, instead of arguing with you in this booth without any food.”

“You can’t because I am not writing the story that way.”

“Sweetie, you could always change it.”

“No, your role is to be a source of background information.”

“I don’t want a role.  I want a life.”

“Yes and you have one.”

“All I have is memories and dumb questions designed to make you look smarter than I am.”

“Diddlie, that is not the idea.  You are plenty smart, but you are also worked up about the new big house next door, and other things in your life. You are burning on a short fuse right now.”

“So you write, but I want a life.”

“Yes it is my story, but you have a good life.  Not an easy life but a fulfilling one.”

“Enough about me…what about you?”

“What about me?”

“I still don’t know who you are. You just keep saying you are a writer.”

“That’s it.”

“Well tell me more about yourself.  Like what do you do?”

“I told you I am a writer.”

“No for a living, come on, you know what I mean… stop being cagey.”

“Anything I say becomes part of the story, and this isn’t a story about me.”

“It could be.”

“I am not writing autobiography.”

“No, but to be fair you might as well put yourself in here with me and get out of your God complex.  I’m talking mental health you know.  Why should you be the only one with a life?”

“All the characters have lives.”

“Are you a character yourself?”

“Not exactly myself.”

”Oh not exactly myself,” mocked Diddlie.  “Are you so lost even about yourself?”

“Whatever I write is what happens.”

“You really do have a God complex sweetie. You’re acting like a deity above it all. No wonder you are so lost.  You say you are Lou’s old friend.  Then you say you invented me.  Now you won’t come and live in Fauxmont.”

“I am living in Fauxmont.”

“But not exactly! Oh don’t start that writer stuff again.  You have no exact idea!  That’s where you get lost.”

“Yes I do get lost in it.”

“Well how dumb is that?”

“Diddlie we live in different worlds.”

“That’s for sure.  You are lost in a world of your own.  I am saying, ‘Come back!’ I have a feeling I might like you a lot better if I knew you.”

“Try thinking of it this way: If I mail you a letter to Diddlie Drates, 1664 Oval Road, etc. it will never reach you.  The post office will either return it or it will end up in the dead letter bin.  On the other hand if you send me a letter in your world, to Fred Blogz at my address on Maxwell Avenue, you can be reasonably sure I will get it.”

“Well what do you know?”

“I don’t know anything until it is written.”

“Talking to you makes me wonder if I know anything at all.”

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INTRODUCTION, Fauxmont with Fred Blogz

Fauxmont is a fictional wooded neighborhood in Northern Virginia.  Fred recently moved into the neighborhood, in Nov 2010, and is getting to know his neighbors. He passes on their stories through his blog.

It came to mind in May of 2010, after I threw my back out.  I lay on the floor to relieve the pain and watched light change on an otherwise featureless white expanse of ceiling, which became a screen for projections of absurd and satirical imagination. Thanks to word processing software, and despite it too, the first of Fauxblog was posted after recovery in November of 2010.  Recording gossip, ignorance, kindness, lies, love, eccentricity, deception, fantasy, fanaticism, insight, and sex, all through conversations.  Software also corrected many but not all my spelling mistakes, which have been a lifelong difficulty.

Fauxmont blog is inspired by those countless fragmentary conversations I had with many of my neighbors when walking our Westie, Geordie.  We drift from one topic to another.  We take up a subject again from weeks or months before.  It might be called a “Blog Opera”, like a soap opera, only in the form of a blog.  These conversations built friendships making Fauxmont a community engaged in many different activities and interests.  It is also a reaction to all the overheated and ugly rehtoric to be found on line.  So many insulting putdowns, so much acting out, so little thought and friendship. People in Fauxmont talk to each other.  They engage in conversation.

Residents of Fauxmont pronounce it “Foxmont” as there is nothing “faux” about the neighborhood to them. They share the woods with fox, chipmunk, squirrel, possum and other fauna. Fauxmont is said to have come from the French ‘Faux fuyant’, a by-way, but also a word for subterfuge and evasion.

A few famous historical figures are mentioned along with some politicians, but none of the characters living in Fauxmont is based on any real person.  You may notice whimsical references to works by Lewis Caroll, Henry James, Virginia Woolf, and other writers; Dutch and Italian painting; the history of physics; the game of Cricket, and more. Enjoy your time in Fauxmont.

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